Well, yes..yes it is a blog, and no thank but I've had my fill of drama, arguing, anger, resentment and bullarky for the month. So yes, yes it is a blog about the many wonderful facets of my month.
Where to start.....October 1st found me at work. WHEW! what a week was had...
ok ok I'll skip to the last few weeks as those are the most important anyway....
I'm plugging away ( to the sound of Mario brothers game...you know the one...dooo dooo doooo dooot dooot doot ) working at my job, at life, and home. And all of a sudden it hits me! BLAM! Like a cream pie to the face, what have I accomplished in my life. What turns me wheels, drives me to get up face the world (if that's not scary enough) get dressed, drive to work and function.
The answer still hasn't come to me, so day after day I get up, take a shower, get dressed, get my kid outta bed, get him dressed, make his lunch, take him to daycare, go to work.
I love my job, I like my team, I like my boss, I like everything about it! The job as a whole serves a purpose to help educate and encourage kids across the globe to go to school, so yeah its rewarding and just what I thought I would be doing.
But I'm working, in a loveless marriage, no, I don't get sex either. I'm in this marriage because I love my husband. I always have and I always will, but I find myself questioning whats in it for me.
What is it about my marriage that is fulfilling to me? What makes me want to keep at it, day after day, week after week, month after month, and year after year...by now I'm sure you get the picture. By now I'm so lost in my thoughts that I've forgotten about the stack of files I have sitting on my desk, or the stack of little pink message slips sitting on my keyboard. I've forgotten that I have 200+ emails that at some point I need to answer. All I'm trying to do at this point is to keep from screaming at the top of my lungs, and running out of the office in 3 inch heels and a skirt into traffic (I would but I might fall and I'm not sure what's more embarrassing, falling or getting hit by a postal tractor trailer), so I silently whimper, holding it in, like a bubbling fart..........
And then it hits me. I'm here because I'm scared, I'm scared that I can't make it on my own, I'm afraid that no one else on this planet will even acknowledge my existence, I'm scared that once it's said and done, I will be truly happy and at peace with the demons inside of me. And I'm scared that he will be happy too. And that his demons will rest.
Fast forward to yesterday, October 30th 2008. My mom (who has led a tumultuous relationship with me for the last 29 years, is dying. As time has taught me, sometimes you have to forget the past to move into the future. So I have forgiven her, I have forgiven myself, I have moved on to the next stage of caring for her, or at least helping take care of her. I meet with the Hospice nurse, who tells me that the cancer is extremely aggressive, and as I'm studying her, it's almost as if I can read her thoughts, she is thinking "yolie, yolie posole, baby, your dying, and your dying sooner than you think. It's time to help you transition."
That's not what I want to hear, but Its what I see plastered all over her face. I come home to the only solace I have, my husband, who time and again I have given the benefit of the doubt to, taken back after empty promises of change and counseling, and bullshit, and I sit him down and I tell him "Nate, things are going to be rough for us in the next few months, I need your help, I need you to h elp me. I need you to be there." and like any good man (OK really it was what I wanted to hear, but he wouldn't say) "Allegre, I will be there through thick and thin, good and bad. I got your back" But what was actually said, "What's with all this wishy washy bullshit? 2 months ago you were ready for her to die and you accepted it and moved on, now you freaking out about and crying? Make up your damned mind."
*sigh* He will never be what I need him to be will he? He will never tell me (with out me having to tell him first) that he is there for me. It hit me this morning as I was driving to work, 7:28 am on October 31st 2008, it hit me like a ton of bricks to the face, he will never, NEVER, give me the support, understanding and love someone like me needs. I'm too free spirited and too emotional. I'm loving, caring, compassionate (sometimes too much), and too enthralled with the world around me to be with someone who has no emotion. Who is emotionally retarded.
I can't. I can't stand by silently anymore, dying inside, ignoring the scream that is building up to break free and shatter the glass of my life.
My life is too short, and I have big dreams, I have big dreams for me and my son. I have big dreams, and I want to share those dreams with someone who can enjoy them. Someone who understands them. I want to say thank you, thank you for spending the last 11 years with me. Thank you for giving me my son, thank you for saving my life, but I have to go. I have to leave. I have to leave so that we can be happy.
Know that I love you, that you will always be in my heart, and you will always have a pillow to lay your head on if you need it.
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