Le sigh.
Tragedy has struck! Ok not really, but on a serious note, I am living a bad soap opera. Drama to the nth degree. What do you say to someone who you have nothing to say to? Nothing. Yep, thats what you say, you just smile and nod and hope to god and the devil that they get it.
So my thoughts are supposed to be random, not in any particular order, but it seems that somehow ive managed to unrandomize my random thoughts. le sigh
1. Why is it that, when you try to communicate with someone about something you want, and you tell them specifically what you need/want/looking for, that they just dont get it? Its like talking to a foreign parrot who only speaks on language and can say "alfederzen"
2. Boys really are the devil, whether they want to admit it or not, they walk around sporting their high hair, their cool tats, their innocent smiles, but when it comes down to it, they are the D-E-V-I-L. They have no remorse for their thoughts, and why should they, they are boys after all right?
3. Whats with all this hoopla about being in a recession? Seems to me, people are still spending the same amount they spent three years ago, or is it just that im spending the same amount?
4. Bras! Oy vey! These things suck! You have to keep readjusting, and pulling and tugging and fixing, and then when all thats said and done, you end up with quadra boob, quadra boob is the enemy, its like krytonite for women. And finding a comfortable bra is pointeless they arent out there and they dont exist.
5. Kids and marriage. This seems to be a sensitive topic amongst most people now a days. Why? Why cant i just have the kids but no husband but with the spouse income? It makes no sense when you break it down, that more homes would be functional if the husbands just all lived together allowing the wives to take care of the home and what not, that way they would have to take care of themselves and we could continue to keep our houses and lives clean and man free. For the most part.
6. Food, really ladies, FOOD. What a wonderful concept. Why cant they make food that tates super but is like ZERO fat and makes you lose weight? Not possible but, they can teach a monkey to talk? FOR FUCKS SAKE!!!
Ok since my rant is done, I just want to say, have a great week!
Saturday, February 21, 2009
The girl in the window
The same time everyday
I pass by her house and
there she stands, the girl
in the window.
She wears aqua blue
everyday, A knee length skirt,
flowing softly just below her knees,
a soft blouse made of silk flowing
around her.
She is there everyday
watching the world pass her by
she never smiles, or cries,
but looks in the distance
at something I cant see.
One day shes not there
i stop even though ill be late for work
I walk up the rotted yard,
full of weeds overtaking the rose bush
Shes not there, I panic,
for so many years she was there
she greeted me on my to work
she was like my beacon in a storm
But today she wasn't there.
As i near her house, i see the blackened
carpet and the dusty shelves, the empty rooms.
As i get closer the girl appears,
that vacant look in her eyes, screaming
I realize as my nose touches the glass
that the girl looking out to the world is me,
She was staring back at the world.
I pass by her house and
there she stands, the girl
in the window.
She wears aqua blue
everyday, A knee length skirt,
flowing softly just below her knees,
a soft blouse made of silk flowing
around her.
She is there everyday
watching the world pass her by
she never smiles, or cries,
but looks in the distance
at something I cant see.
One day shes not there
i stop even though ill be late for work
I walk up the rotted yard,
full of weeds overtaking the rose bush
Shes not there, I panic,
for so many years she was there
she greeted me on my to work
she was like my beacon in a storm
But today she wasn't there.
As i near her house, i see the blackened
carpet and the dusty shelves, the empty rooms.
As i get closer the girl appears,
that vacant look in her eyes, screaming
I realize as my nose touches the glass
that the girl looking out to the world is me,
She was staring back at the world.
No thanks, Im trying to quit
Once was one time too many
the tears fall silently from my face
dripping into the remains of my heart.
You said it was an addiction,
you said it would stop,
your words rang hollow in my ears.
I move quietly throught the darkened house,
wishing I wasnt here,
begging for a silent dream to come true.
Death and mayhem are all ive known,
you've killed me inside
ripping my heart out with your ringed finger
your betrayal cant be undone
your lies cant be untold
your eyes cant unsee
what youve shared with me
Your heart is an open sore
Your hands burn though my shirt
betrayal
its all ive even known.
I scream and the room spins
I run but I cant get far enough
I try to hurt you as youve hurt me.
nothing ive done
nothing ive said
will ever be enough for you
sadness rips the window open
the blinds gone, i see the day
my time has come to leave
In my wake i hope you see
that what youve done to me
cant be fixed
wont be fixed
betrayal is not forgiven
the tears fall silently from my face
dripping into the remains of my heart.
You said it was an addiction,
you said it would stop,
your words rang hollow in my ears.
I move quietly throught the darkened house,
wishing I wasnt here,
begging for a silent dream to come true.
Death and mayhem are all ive known,
you've killed me inside
ripping my heart out with your ringed finger
your betrayal cant be undone
your lies cant be untold
your eyes cant unsee
what youve shared with me
Your heart is an open sore
Your hands burn though my shirt
betrayal
its all ive even known.
I scream and the room spins
I run but I cant get far enough
I try to hurt you as youve hurt me.
nothing ive done
nothing ive said
will ever be enough for you
sadness rips the window open
the blinds gone, i see the day
my time has come to leave
In my wake i hope you see
that what youve done to me
cant be fixed
wont be fixed
betrayal is not forgiven
Betrayal
Once was one time too many
the tears fall silently from my face
dripping into the remains of my heart.
You said it was an addiction,
you said it would stop,
your words rang hollow in my ears.
I move quietly throught the darkened house,
wishing I wasnt here,
begging for a silent dream to come true.
Death and mayhem are all ive known,
you've killed me inside
ripping my heart out with your ringed finger
your betrayal cant be undone
your lies cant be untold
your eyes cant unsee
what youve shared with me
Your heart is an open sore
Your hands burn though my shirt
betrayal
its all ive even known.
I scream and the room spins
I run but I cant get far enough
I try to hurt you as youve hurt me.
nothing ive done
nothing ive said
will ever be enough for you
sadness rips the window open
the blinds gone, i see the day
my time has come to leave
In my wake i hope you see
that what youve done to me
cant be fixed
wont be fixed
betrayal is not forgiven
the tears fall silently from my face
dripping into the remains of my heart.
You said it was an addiction,
you said it would stop,
your words rang hollow in my ears.
I move quietly throught the darkened house,
wishing I wasnt here,
begging for a silent dream to come true.
Death and mayhem are all ive known,
you've killed me inside
ripping my heart out with your ringed finger
your betrayal cant be undone
your lies cant be untold
your eyes cant unsee
what youve shared with me
Your heart is an open sore
Your hands burn though my shirt
betrayal
its all ive even known.
I scream and the room spins
I run but I cant get far enough
I try to hurt you as youve hurt me.
nothing ive done
nothing ive said
will ever be enough for you
sadness rips the window open
the blinds gone, i see the day
my time has come to leave
In my wake i hope you see
that what youve done to me
cant be fixed
wont be fixed
betrayal is not forgiven
Whispers
Whispers in my ear, making everything clear
silent thoughts parade around in my head
wishing they were dead
whispers in my throat, what i cant say
Im trying to show
My eyes cloud, my mouth dries
My heart stops beating and im dead
for only a minute im dead
I grasp my head screaming
whispers in my ear
tell me your near
I walk silently through the garden,
watching a surreal scene unfold
whispers in my hear beg for the cold
I need you to carry my heart with you
I need you to show me the way out.
whispers in the night, silently calling
no ones there to reach out and grab me
i float away, silently falling
whispers in my ear, the things i
cant bear to hear
day has come, the ghosts have gone,
and im left with an inner peace,
i am insane, but you whisper
you whisper that you still want me.
I let you take me over and over
not caring what they say,
wanting your whispers in my ear.
Wanting that floating again.
silent thoughts parade around in my head
wishing they were dead
whispers in my throat, what i cant say
Im trying to show
My eyes cloud, my mouth dries
My heart stops beating and im dead
for only a minute im dead
I grasp my head screaming
whispers in my ear
tell me your near
I walk silently through the garden,
watching a surreal scene unfold
whispers in my hear beg for the cold
I need you to carry my heart with you
I need you to show me the way out.
whispers in the night, silently calling
no ones there to reach out and grab me
i float away, silently falling
whispers in my ear, the things i
cant bear to hear
day has come, the ghosts have gone,
and im left with an inner peace,
i am insane, but you whisper
you whisper that you still want me.
I let you take me over and over
not caring what they say,
wanting your whispers in my ear.
Wanting that floating again.
Let your parady define you...
Well, yes..yes it is a blog, and no thank but I've had my fill of drama, arguing, anger, resentment and bullarky for the month. So yes, yes it is a blog about the many wonderful facets of my month.
Where to start.....October 1st found me at work. WHEW! what a week was had...
ok ok I'll skip to the last few weeks as those are the most important anyway....
I'm plugging away ( to the sound of Mario brothers game...you know the one...dooo dooo doooo dooot dooot doot ) working at my job, at life, and home. And all of a sudden it hits me! BLAM! Like a cream pie to the face, what have I accomplished in my life. What turns me wheels, drives me to get up face the world (if that's not scary enough) get dressed, drive to work and function.
The answer still hasn't come to me, so day after day I get up, take a shower, get dressed, get my kid outta bed, get him dressed, make his lunch, take him to daycare, go to work.
I love my job, I like my team, I like my boss, I like everything about it! The job as a whole serves a purpose to help educate and encourage kids across the globe to go to school, so yeah its rewarding and just what I thought I would be doing.
But I'm working, in a loveless marriage, no, I don't get sex either. I'm in this marriage because I love my husband. I always have and I always will, but I find myself questioning whats in it for me.
What is it about my marriage that is fulfilling to me? What makes me want to keep at it, day after day, week after week, month after month, and year after year...by now I'm sure you get the picture. By now I'm so lost in my thoughts that I've forgotten about the stack of files I have sitting on my desk, or the stack of little pink message slips sitting on my keyboard. I've forgotten that I have 200+ emails that at some point I need to answer. All I'm trying to do at this point is to keep from screaming at the top of my lungs, and running out of the office in 3 inch heels and a skirt into traffic (I would but I might fall and I'm not sure what's more embarrassing, falling or getting hit by a postal tractor trailer), so I silently whimper, holding it in, like a bubbling fart..........
And then it hits me. I'm here because I'm scared, I'm scared that I can't make it on my own, I'm afraid that no one else on this planet will even acknowledge my existence, I'm scared that once it's said and done, I will be truly happy and at peace with the demons inside of me. And I'm scared that he will be happy too. And that his demons will rest.
Fast forward to yesterday, October 30th 2008. My mom (who has led a tumultuous relationship with me for the last 29 years, is dying. As time has taught me, sometimes you have to forget the past to move into the future. So I have forgiven her, I have forgiven myself, I have moved on to the next stage of caring for her, or at least helping take care of her. I meet with the Hospice nurse, who tells me that the cancer is extremely aggressive, and as I'm studying her, it's almost as if I can read her thoughts, she is thinking "yolie, yolie posole, baby, your dying, and your dying sooner than you think. It's time to help you transition."
That's not what I want to hear, but Its what I see plastered all over her face. I come home to the only solace I have, my husband, who time and again I have given the benefit of the doubt to, taken back after empty promises of change and counseling, and bullshit, and I sit him down and I tell him "Nate, things are going to be rough for us in the next few months, I need your help, I need you to h elp me. I need you to be there." and like any good man (OK really it was what I wanted to hear, but he wouldn't say) "Allegre, I will be there through thick and thin, good and bad. I got your back" But what was actually said, "What's with all this wishy washy bullshit? 2 months ago you were ready for her to die and you accepted it and moved on, now you freaking out about and crying? Make up your damned mind."
*sigh* He will never be what I need him to be will he? He will never tell me (with out me having to tell him first) that he is there for me. It hit me this morning as I was driving to work, 7:28 am on October 31st 2008, it hit me like a ton of bricks to the face, he will never, NEVER, give me the support, understanding and love someone like me needs. I'm too free spirited and too emotional. I'm loving, caring, compassionate (sometimes too much), and too enthralled with the world around me to be with someone who has no emotion. Who is emotionally retarded.
I can't. I can't stand by silently anymore, dying inside, ignoring the scream that is building up to break free and shatter the glass of my life.
My life is too short, and I have big dreams, I have big dreams for me and my son. I have big dreams, and I want to share those dreams with someone who can enjoy them. Someone who understands them. I want to say thank you, thank you for spending the last 11 years with me. Thank you for giving me my son, thank you for saving my life, but I have to go. I have to leave. I have to leave so that we can be happy.
Know that I love you, that you will always be in my heart, and you will always have a pillow to lay your head on if you need it.
Where to start.....October 1st found me at work. WHEW! what a week was had...
ok ok I'll skip to the last few weeks as those are the most important anyway....
I'm plugging away ( to the sound of Mario brothers game...you know the one...dooo dooo doooo dooot dooot doot ) working at my job, at life, and home. And all of a sudden it hits me! BLAM! Like a cream pie to the face, what have I accomplished in my life. What turns me wheels, drives me to get up face the world (if that's not scary enough) get dressed, drive to work and function.
The answer still hasn't come to me, so day after day I get up, take a shower, get dressed, get my kid outta bed, get him dressed, make his lunch, take him to daycare, go to work.
I love my job, I like my team, I like my boss, I like everything about it! The job as a whole serves a purpose to help educate and encourage kids across the globe to go to school, so yeah its rewarding and just what I thought I would be doing.
But I'm working, in a loveless marriage, no, I don't get sex either. I'm in this marriage because I love my husband. I always have and I always will, but I find myself questioning whats in it for me.
What is it about my marriage that is fulfilling to me? What makes me want to keep at it, day after day, week after week, month after month, and year after year...by now I'm sure you get the picture. By now I'm so lost in my thoughts that I've forgotten about the stack of files I have sitting on my desk, or the stack of little pink message slips sitting on my keyboard. I've forgotten that I have 200+ emails that at some point I need to answer. All I'm trying to do at this point is to keep from screaming at the top of my lungs, and running out of the office in 3 inch heels and a skirt into traffic (I would but I might fall and I'm not sure what's more embarrassing, falling or getting hit by a postal tractor trailer), so I silently whimper, holding it in, like a bubbling fart..........
And then it hits me. I'm here because I'm scared, I'm scared that I can't make it on my own, I'm afraid that no one else on this planet will even acknowledge my existence, I'm scared that once it's said and done, I will be truly happy and at peace with the demons inside of me. And I'm scared that he will be happy too. And that his demons will rest.
Fast forward to yesterday, October 30th 2008. My mom (who has led a tumultuous relationship with me for the last 29 years, is dying. As time has taught me, sometimes you have to forget the past to move into the future. So I have forgiven her, I have forgiven myself, I have moved on to the next stage of caring for her, or at least helping take care of her. I meet with the Hospice nurse, who tells me that the cancer is extremely aggressive, and as I'm studying her, it's almost as if I can read her thoughts, she is thinking "yolie, yolie posole, baby, your dying, and your dying sooner than you think. It's time to help you transition."
That's not what I want to hear, but Its what I see plastered all over her face. I come home to the only solace I have, my husband, who time and again I have given the benefit of the doubt to, taken back after empty promises of change and counseling, and bullshit, and I sit him down and I tell him "Nate, things are going to be rough for us in the next few months, I need your help, I need you to h elp me. I need you to be there." and like any good man (OK really it was what I wanted to hear, but he wouldn't say) "Allegre, I will be there through thick and thin, good and bad. I got your back" But what was actually said, "What's with all this wishy washy bullshit? 2 months ago you were ready for her to die and you accepted it and moved on, now you freaking out about and crying? Make up your damned mind."
*sigh* He will never be what I need him to be will he? He will never tell me (with out me having to tell him first) that he is there for me. It hit me this morning as I was driving to work, 7:28 am on October 31st 2008, it hit me like a ton of bricks to the face, he will never, NEVER, give me the support, understanding and love someone like me needs. I'm too free spirited and too emotional. I'm loving, caring, compassionate (sometimes too much), and too enthralled with the world around me to be with someone who has no emotion. Who is emotionally retarded.
I can't. I can't stand by silently anymore, dying inside, ignoring the scream that is building up to break free and shatter the glass of my life.
My life is too short, and I have big dreams, I have big dreams for me and my son. I have big dreams, and I want to share those dreams with someone who can enjoy them. Someone who understands them. I want to say thank you, thank you for spending the last 11 years with me. Thank you for giving me my son, thank you for saving my life, but I have to go. I have to leave. I have to leave so that we can be happy.
Know that I love you, that you will always be in my heart, and you will always have a pillow to lay your head on if you need it.
Sadly, It's me.
Sometimes, when I lay alone in my bed I can see the shadows dancing around me. I can feel the whispers, and I can smell the rotting earth. Sadly, it's not you, its me. I can't stand the smell of you anymore and I can't stand to look at you anymore. I start running, and I can feel my heart pounding in my chest, my lungs expanding, my brain is going in circles.
Suddenly its raining, the drops beating me softly into the ground, I don't run, I don't move I just stand there listening to people yelling, and I can hear the rain beating the ground. I can smell that rotting scent, I can feel the shadows surround me.
I wake up and I'm on the bathroom floor, I'm on the bathroom floor, the cold tile pressing against my cheeks, the smell of bleach raping my senses, bringing me to a kneeling position. My throat is burning, my tongue is dry, my joints scream out.
I move silently through my house, noticing the way the lights from the Christmas tree illuminate the tile floor, I notice the way the cold tile feels on my feet and the smell of vanilla mixed with pine mingles in the air. I hear the cat mew and the dogs snore.
I slowly make my way back into my bedroom, the smell of freshly washed sheets and vanilla calming my senses. I quietly find my way to the center of my bed, making sure not to creak the mattress.
As I lay on my bed, the shadows dance around me, and the smell of rotting earth fades, It wasn't you all along, it was me.
Suddenly its raining, the drops beating me softly into the ground, I don't run, I don't move I just stand there listening to people yelling, and I can hear the rain beating the ground. I can smell that rotting scent, I can feel the shadows surround me.
I wake up and I'm on the bathroom floor, I'm on the bathroom floor, the cold tile pressing against my cheeks, the smell of bleach raping my senses, bringing me to a kneeling position. My throat is burning, my tongue is dry, my joints scream out.
I move silently through my house, noticing the way the lights from the Christmas tree illuminate the tile floor, I notice the way the cold tile feels on my feet and the smell of vanilla mixed with pine mingles in the air. I hear the cat mew and the dogs snore.
I slowly make my way back into my bedroom, the smell of freshly washed sheets and vanilla calming my senses. I quietly find my way to the center of my bed, making sure not to creak the mattress.
As I lay on my bed, the shadows dance around me, and the smell of rotting earth fades, It wasn't you all along, it was me.
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