What a chaotic, insidious week this has been! While it hasn't been bad its just been long, and forever ending. Good news....I have a job, I have 2 jobs. Bad news, well there isn't any.
I have been contemplating change in my life and while I thought I controlled my destiny the universe had a different plan. Move to PA? Possibly....move to NM? Possibly...NOPE! I am going to stay right here until the time is right for me to move where ever it is that I am supposed to move.
My son started school Thursday, and he went back to Jiu Jitsu. It was like watching a makeover! He was laughing, smiling and his energy changed. I think it will be good for him to go back and participate however small the participation is, it will teach him some respect and in the end do him some good to get his frustration out on the mat. How proud I am of him. I couldn't have been more blessed.
On to another topic, I have a few stories brewing in my skull that I am trying to make sense of. My stories always hit me at just the right time....but always leave quickly leaving me to figure them out. Way to go creativity! Thanks!
I know I said I would try to post everyday but I have had the desire (yes I am lazy thankyouverymuch) and I really haven't had anything too spectacular to report until today. I get to see my best friend who just came home from a 3.5 month deployment in Japan, I get to see another dear friend whom I've know since 98 and I think things are starting to turn around. But don't worry, I will keep one eye on the path in front of me and one eye on everything else. So for now I am going to nuzzle up to my sweet child, wait for the alarm to go off and get him off to school and his dads for the week. Happy Friday world! Thank you for being there when I needed you!
PS. ITS PRESEASON FOOTBALL....so that means the real McCoy is right around the corner and I CANT WAIT!
Friday, August 12, 2011
Saturday, August 6, 2011
5 am comes too soon around these parts
5 am has come and gone, the remnants of the day before still linger, like a thick vapor reminding me of the past events. I am sitting here staring at the wall looking for some sort of inspiration, some sign flashing like the neon beer signs are the drive through liquor store, yet I see nothing. I rub my eyes, slowly shaking my head back and forth thinking that its the sleep deprivation that has me confused and turned around. But its not, in the end its my emotion that got me all ass backwards, looking for the key hole to unlock this door.
I remember a few years back that I once sat at the top of north mountain, watching the sunrise and remembering what the sunrise looked like at home. And I sat there in silence for the longest time and I couldn't remember. I couldn't remember what it smelled like in the spring, or how the coyotes sounded late at night.
Once again almost 11 years later, I am sitting here waiting, watching hoping for that sense of what once was. And then like a sack of potatoes it hits me. It never will be the same. And oddly I'm OK with that. I don't fear being alone, I am not afraid of dating and jumping through the hoops of impressing and pea-cocking to attract another mate.
I am afraid that the other person will forget about me. I don't want to be forgotten, OK well maybe I want people to forget the bad things I've done and the awful things I've said, but I don't want to be forgotten. Now maybe he will and maybe he wont. But like taking the trash out, writing down how i feel helps me purge some of the clutter in my heart and brain. Until then then adventure continues....
If he misses me, then he does. If he doesnt then he doesnt. Ive got some pretty big plans and I dont want to be held down with the uncertainty of something I have no control over. I cant control what is and is not. I can only observe it from a distance, take notes and remember not to do that again. When its my turn to miss someone, I know I will let that person know, I will shout it to the sky, "Hey Fucker I MISS YOU! Hope youre well."
I remember a few years back that I once sat at the top of north mountain, watching the sunrise and remembering what the sunrise looked like at home. And I sat there in silence for the longest time and I couldn't remember. I couldn't remember what it smelled like in the spring, or how the coyotes sounded late at night.
Once again almost 11 years later, I am sitting here waiting, watching hoping for that sense of what once was. And then like a sack of potatoes it hits me. It never will be the same. And oddly I'm OK with that. I don't fear being alone, I am not afraid of dating and jumping through the hoops of impressing and pea-cocking to attract another mate.
I am afraid that the other person will forget about me. I don't want to be forgotten, OK well maybe I want people to forget the bad things I've done and the awful things I've said, but I don't want to be forgotten. Now maybe he will and maybe he wont. But like taking the trash out, writing down how i feel helps me purge some of the clutter in my heart and brain. Until then then adventure continues....
If he misses me, then he does. If he doesnt then he doesnt. Ive got some pretty big plans and I dont want to be held down with the uncertainty of something I have no control over. I cant control what is and is not. I can only observe it from a distance, take notes and remember not to do that again. When its my turn to miss someone, I know I will let that person know, I will shout it to the sky, "Hey Fucker I MISS YOU! Hope youre well."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)