Phoenix, the city of heartache

Phoenix, the city of heartache

Riding the 16 from Broadway to Bethany Home.

The mom on the bus, eyes filled with madness. Maybe hardness. Kids well behaved. What does she do? Pain on her hands.
Passing through the barrio, sideshow queen walking the street
Back tattooed up and wearing a red dress. What has she been doing.
Women grouped together like a school of fish, lesbian? Maybe who have they been with?
Secrets of this city sit 5 feet from me on the city bus. Heartache. Abuse. Struggle it's real in the city of heartache. Watching the scenes pass like a movie. I wish I could make you feel what I feel when I ride this bus. Graffiti, pain, suffering, Virgin Mary praying over her lost children. Garfield commons, new paint I could smell the crack and meth. The fresh paint and the carpet.
The smell of food cooking.
People get on and off. The bus stops. Lives keep moving. I can't tell you what I'm feeling. Sadness. Excitement. Something exotic. Thomas and 16th street.
Fear.
Anger from the one in the middle. Hurt. She's been crying. Her eyes give her away. I study them. I'm the hunter they are the prey. Only I won't devour them. This city will. Their sadness will.
Gold hoop earrings. White bike Cortez. This bitch is the one that's rough around the edges. Do anything to make her shit happen. Old needle marks, pipe burns. What did she want to be when she was a little girl?
The oleander bushes reach like they are in a prison. Reaching through the bars in courtyards surrounded by abandoned buildings. Phoenix Indian hospital. Tragedy.
Pugzzis torn down. Handcuffs. Camelback mountain stands like a gargoyle over the city of ashes.

My Wild Grace

I think love comes in many forms. For me it comes with the breath of each new season, the birds, the blue skies and babies laughing.

It has been a long and arduous journey since 2014, Since then I have moved 3 times, Met a man, broke a mans heart, met another, became pregnant, got married, gave birth and changed jobs so that I can stay home and take care of my child.

I am trying to wrap my head around everything that has happened, and I'm especially trying to understand how to be a good wife, mother, lover, friend, and all the while be good to myself.
This is a scary juggling act. I never know if I'm going to drop the balls, or if they will hit me, or if they will just up and disappear.

I am trying to be patient, to understand how to be a wife a second time around, a healthy lover, and not jealous. But it's a struggle, because I am for questioning WHY, why would this man who loves me so much, WHY would he find me attractive? But, every night he comes home, he smiles at me, he comes home and loves me. And my jealousy fades. Because really its not his insecurity, it's mine.

Learning to be a mother again, 15 years later, is also tiring. Because you want to make sure that you do things better than you did with the 1st, and hope that they both do amazing things with their life.
That they love, and live and laugh and create things with their hands. To be healthy and a part of society. To be human, and to serve those who wholeheartedly and with out prejudice.

And then there is me. I am trying to accept myself for what I have become, my belly, which has held 2 healthy babies, stretched to its limit. The belly for which they lived, grew, listened to life on the outside. The soft mushy fat, my jiggly bottom. I love each curve, each stretch mark, each ounce of fat and each cellulite mark.

It is with joy, I accept my new life. With happiness, tears and laughter I welcome in a new life to love and cherish. My husband, and all of his wonderful flaws. The struggles I feel with my eldest son, raising a teenager to be a good man, responsible, and instill a strong work ethic. It is with honor, that I accept this new roll. I welcome it with arms wide open, and embrace the hardships, the fights, the laughter, the tears and mostly the love.

It is with an open heart and and open mind, that I accept my life.


Cheers!

Alle