Silently

Silently it builds, the angst, the humility, the effervescent image of you
I fight it, totally unaware of what im doing as I do it.
Im seething, reeling, with hate and remorse of hurting you, but in the light
I see a shadow, a stain on the body of our love, growing darker and bigger.

My eyes adjust, my heart quickens, my palms get clamy and my breath catches,
Its you. You are the stain that grows darker, that grows bigger.

Its you. You are the shadow I see in my tunnel of light.
Why cant you go away? I dont have what you want.
I feel sorry for you, hoping that love will make you dissappear, will make you fade.
So that you arent locked in that shadow forever.

I scream! Calling you towards me, here I say, here is love, here is hope, and respect, and yet you grow darker and bigger, ignoring my words until.....

Until you envelope me in darkness, emotionally sanitzing me and making me numb to your insults, im a puppet and you are my master, my puppeteer.

I am alone now. Forcing myself to breath, slowly, making my heart return to normal, fixing my gaze on something in the distance, slowly recovering.

I am whole now. Repaired, put back together, Whole.

Angst

What's the point?
Screaming silently grinding your teeth
I watch as you pace, reeling from the news
I walk slowly away, my head swimming
she said it would never happen
Said it could never happen

does it make you want me more?
Do you feel complete?
A man betraying his life
No man alone can undo what you've done
silent prayers wish for a quick death

you say it only happened once
the time before, it never happened at all.
you say your sorry
the truth is my angst
your eyes tell me the truth

I cant tell you the road to take,
only the road I will be on.
Signs will show me which way to go
leading me silently nowhere
I won't know my destination until i arrive

when I'm there you're welcome to follow

Share my life as it was before you went and fucked it up
my angst erased, completely gone, you did a good job of wrecking my heart.

Tears won't fall anymore, for you've erased all emotion from my mind.

But until then you have a road to pave
make it your life, make it good.
Make your decisions, make them strong
heal your heart, heal it right, don't confuse lust with love.
And I will be there holding your hand
silently watching from my window.

Only you can make it happen,

Whats the chance that you will fix it, this life of yours.

Not likely, but I'm here silently watching you destroy your life

Inhale, exhale, room spinning, I fall silently into darkness.

I'm home, waiting, when you're ready ill come.

Desperate measures.....

Random thoughts.....
Category: Friends

So yesterday I decided that I wanted to move to the UK, that was completely random and had no direct purpose or intent. I just wanted out. Out of this city, this country, this world.

In talking more to my sister, i discovered that my effervescent Sagittarius soul is dying for change. Something new, a new tattoo, a new piercing, a new look, something, anything as long as its new.....

I think in my heart that im slowly dying for in my current position im not challenged, im not inspired and im definately not encouraged to do what i was meant to do, and that is to write. Music, books, screenplays, anything creative and constructive.

My poor mind is going insane, constantly going in circles, over and over again reeling from everything around me. Its not that im not happy with my job or my son or my life, but i want change. I need change.

I want to decorate my house with Mexican folk art, idolizing the day of the dead, graffiti art, Post WWII deco, I want the red Formica table with chrome and black chairs, I want to wake up to wind chimes, and sunflowers poking up in my back yard. I want to wake up to the sound eternal peace and quiet, I want my house to smell of food, and laughter and comfort. I want to be able to have my friends come over and share a couple of bottles of something and watch b- grade horror movies while making jokes about the movie.

I want to decorate my house for Halloween and Christmas, I want to enjoy my life, as though tomorrow were my last.

I fear that im slowly dying inside and I cant stop it, im no longer the person you once knew, ive become sterilized and formatted.

I want to feel.

Sometime in the near future from the last post....

Ahhhh the joys of responsibility. ACK! I dont want to be "responsible" anymore. Maybe it came from my urge to listen to the deftones minerva at ear drum popping levels on my phone or maybe from the people that surround me at my work places. ACK!
We are moving, we are blowing this French Fry stand, and moving back to the 602. Yes, my friends who don't know your are codes, the "602" is Phoenix. Good ole metro Phoenix. *sigh*
Back to traffic, gun control in schools and best of all Irish pubs with in crawling distance of your house. Yes CRAWLING. God I love Irish pubs.
Nothing exciting ever happens here in this small town, at least not enough to make me want to stay and definitely not enough to make this a destination "hot spot". I find that people here are self induced, intrinsically privileged and people like that make me want to vomit on them. Yes I said VOMIT. Now don't get me wrong people here, well at least the ones that aren't transplants from another state, the natural Oregonians, are awesome! I love people from oregon, they have a sense of duty and love for their environment. They enjoy it and wants even more they appreciate it. These asshats from other places come here and bitch and piss and moan about the prices of this and the wait time for that, and the looks of the fat people walking down the street.
Well mister my ass doesn't smell like shit it smells like 1,000 dollar eau de touilett , I have news for you, you do stink and yes those jeans don't make your flat ass look good.

I'm almost done with my story, well not quiet i lied and boy was it convincing eh? I'm 7 pages into a 250 novel. Trust me, I can think of many things to write about and it would take 250 pages just to break the ice. For those that don't know its about people, and being allergic to said people. Yes I am allergic to people. I get hives, shortness of breath, sweaty palms, gas, my spleen swells and my i seep ear wax. I cant wait to release it because i think it will characterize how I feel about all my friends, and most importantly those that aren't. Don't worry, for those that are my friends, well nothing bad was said unless i was witness to a drunken night. Then be prepared for some embarrassing memories!

Today is beautifully carnal

I decided, a month or so back to start a blog, i promised to write every day and as in my nature, I forgot, time slipped away from me and I left you hanging.

Not that anyone really reads this blog yet, but i feel as though i may have let you down in the future.

What has happened since I last logged on?
Oh so many things! Where to start.

I met a friend, went on said date with friend, to watch a movie we didn't watch. Oh my! When is it that your too busy talking to enjoy a movie?

So, I made some decisions, not sure if they are good or bad or indifferent but they are, well they just are.

I decided that I was going to stop making new years resolutions, I never stick to them, I dont even believe in them.
I decided that I wanted to dye my hair blue.
I decided that I wanted another tattoo, but of what i have no idea, where no clue, just that I want one.

I decided that Vegas is going to happen. Its my best friends wedding for fucks sake, how can i miss that?

That Im not fond of people as much as i would like to be.
I just dont care for them anymore.
Some people entertain me but others just disappoint me.

Ok so im done, thanks for reading, and I hope that I will be able to get on here more often to start my stories and share my ideas and thoughts!