I have recently found myself on the reverse side of karma, while I generally try to maintain a healthy balance of good and bad karma, the last months recent evens have led me to believe that I am doing more harm to myself than good by being helpful and willing to commit so suddenly to people who really don't deserve help.
Take my sister for example, I uproot my son, my life and everything I know, because she needs help taking care of a woman who I have absolutely no respect for. I give into their needs putting my sanity, my health and my emotions last to theirs. In the end this woman defined her true personality. Showing me that while you can have faith in people its probably not a good idea to have faith in someone like her. She is still to this day mentally ill and should probably not be a functioning member of society. She will do what she needs to do in order to get to where she thinks she needs to be, and in the end doesn't care who she hurts to get there. I believe that she and my mother are more alike than they realize.
Then there are the so called friends who are so willing to let you into their lives only to make sure that when they screw you they REALLY screw you. I left one abusive home to go into a dysfunctional home. In all of this change I have tried to maintain a healthy outlook on things and so far its kind of working, but at this juncture I find myself homeless, alone and tired. I am ready to give up, I am ready to throw in the towel. Everyday that I wake I struggle with how I got to where I am now, and how I managed to disrupt and destroy everything I have worked so hard for in the last 6 months to create.
I have lost the promotion that everyone around me worked so hard to get me, I have lost my home, my car and along the way friends. I have always been alone as far as family is concerned, but my friends mean a lot to me. They are the ones that have always been there for me, and lately I find myself with out any. I find myself desolate and struggling. Gasping for air. I find myself having anxiety attacks about doing things I wouldn't normally freak out about. And the saddest thing, is that I have no way to control it. No matter the medications the doctors prescribe, they don't do me any good.
I am determined to bounce back from the situation I find myself in, but at times find myself wondering if there was something I could have done differently in life. Or is this just what people have to go through sometimes to reset their lives to normal mode. I want to be able to eat dinner at the table with my son, to watch a movie with my boyfriend in bed, and to know that if either is hungry, all they have to do is open the fridge and not worry about where their next meal is coming from.
I think I can do this, but I pray to god every day that he continue to give me the strength to carry on.
