Silently

Silently it builds, the angst, the humility, the effervescent image of you
I fight it, totally unaware of what im doing as I do it.
Im seething, reeling, with hate and remorse of hurting you, but in the light
I see a shadow, a stain on the body of our love, growing darker and bigger.

My eyes adjust, my heart quickens, my palms get clamy and my breath catches,
Its you. You are the stain that grows darker, that grows bigger.

Its you. You are the shadow I see in my tunnel of light.
Why cant you go away? I dont have what you want.
I feel sorry for you, hoping that love will make you dissappear, will make you fade.
So that you arent locked in that shadow forever.

I scream! Calling you towards me, here I say, here is love, here is hope, and respect, and yet you grow darker and bigger, ignoring my words until.....

Until you envelope me in darkness, emotionally sanitzing me and making me numb to your insults, im a puppet and you are my master, my puppeteer.

I am alone now. Forcing myself to breath, slowly, making my heart return to normal, fixing my gaze on something in the distance, slowly recovering.

I am whole now. Repaired, put back together, Whole.

Angst

What's the point?
Screaming silently grinding your teeth
I watch as you pace, reeling from the news
I walk slowly away, my head swimming
she said it would never happen
Said it could never happen

does it make you want me more?
Do you feel complete?
A man betraying his life
No man alone can undo what you've done
silent prayers wish for a quick death

you say it only happened once
the time before, it never happened at all.
you say your sorry
the truth is my angst
your eyes tell me the truth

I cant tell you the road to take,
only the road I will be on.
Signs will show me which way to go
leading me silently nowhere
I won't know my destination until i arrive

when I'm there you're welcome to follow

Share my life as it was before you went and fucked it up
my angst erased, completely gone, you did a good job of wrecking my heart.

Tears won't fall anymore, for you've erased all emotion from my mind.

But until then you have a road to pave
make it your life, make it good.
Make your decisions, make them strong
heal your heart, heal it right, don't confuse lust with love.
And I will be there holding your hand
silently watching from my window.

Only you can make it happen,

Whats the chance that you will fix it, this life of yours.

Not likely, but I'm here silently watching you destroy your life

Inhale, exhale, room spinning, I fall silently into darkness.

I'm home, waiting, when you're ready ill come.

Desperate measures.....

Random thoughts.....
Category: Friends

So yesterday I decided that I wanted to move to the UK, that was completely random and had no direct purpose or intent. I just wanted out. Out of this city, this country, this world.

In talking more to my sister, i discovered that my effervescent Sagittarius soul is dying for change. Something new, a new tattoo, a new piercing, a new look, something, anything as long as its new.....

I think in my heart that im slowly dying for in my current position im not challenged, im not inspired and im definately not encouraged to do what i was meant to do, and that is to write. Music, books, screenplays, anything creative and constructive.

My poor mind is going insane, constantly going in circles, over and over again reeling from everything around me. Its not that im not happy with my job or my son or my life, but i want change. I need change.

I want to decorate my house with Mexican folk art, idolizing the day of the dead, graffiti art, Post WWII deco, I want the red Formica table with chrome and black chairs, I want to wake up to wind chimes, and sunflowers poking up in my back yard. I want to wake up to the sound eternal peace and quiet, I want my house to smell of food, and laughter and comfort. I want to be able to have my friends come over and share a couple of bottles of something and watch b- grade horror movies while making jokes about the movie.

I want to decorate my house for Halloween and Christmas, I want to enjoy my life, as though tomorrow were my last.

I fear that im slowly dying inside and I cant stop it, im no longer the person you once knew, ive become sterilized and formatted.

I want to feel.