5 am comes too soon around these parts

5 am has come and gone, the remnants of the day before still linger, like a thick vapor reminding me of the past events. I am sitting here staring at the wall looking for some sort of inspiration, some sign flashing like the neon beer signs are the drive through liquor store, yet I see nothing. I rub my eyes, slowly shaking my head back and forth thinking that its the sleep deprivation that has me confused and turned around. But its not, in the end its my emotion that got me all ass backwards, looking for the key hole to unlock this door.

I remember a few years back that I once sat at the top of north mountain, watching the sunrise and remembering what the sunrise looked like at home. And I sat there in silence for the longest time and I couldn't remember. I couldn't remember what it smelled like in the spring, or how the coyotes sounded late at night.

Once again almost 11 years later, I am sitting here waiting, watching hoping for that sense of what once was. And then like a sack of potatoes it hits me. It never will be the same. And oddly I'm OK with that. I don't fear being alone, I am not afraid of dating and jumping through the hoops of impressing and pea-cocking to attract another mate.

I am afraid that the other person will forget about me. I don't want to be forgotten, OK well maybe I want people to forget the bad things I've done and the awful things I've said, but I don't want to be forgotten. Now maybe he will and maybe he wont. But like taking the trash out,  writing down how i feel helps me purge some of the clutter in my heart and brain. Until then then adventure continues....

If he misses me, then he does. If he doesnt then he doesnt. Ive got some pretty big plans and I dont want to be held down with the uncertainty of something I have no control over. I cant control what is and is not. I can only observe it from a distance, take notes and remember not to do that again. When its my turn to miss someone, I know I will let that person know, I will shout it to the sky, "Hey Fucker I MISS YOU! Hope youre well."